My Dearest Slutty,

My dearest Slutty,
I received your latest alimony check,
it was on time as usual, thank you.

Ever since that unfortunate financial
misunderstanding that caused me to resign
as Mayor, and that messy situation with
the Brazilian stripper that lead to our divorce,
times have been hard for me.
I believe that is all about to change though.
I spoke with a gentleman today
who would like me to embark on a business
endeavor with him.
He proposes that we, he and I, allow ourselves to launch
the careers of young starlets. We, in effect, would give the
young ladies a way to begin their acting profession,
unburdened of the confines of both rules and their clothing.
It’s kind of like being a secret agent, or a host on The Price is Right,
or the weather man, from an abstract styled perspective.
Regardless, it is slightly covert, and nothing I would care to admit
whilst we hob knob with the best of people because of the mounds
of wealth we have amassed, so there will have to be a cover story
you see, I may leave those details to you.

Leroy

My Dear Leroy,

I am delighted to hear your job prospects are on the up
as quite frankly you are becoming rather an inconvenient drain on my finances,
especially since that lawyer of yours managed to increase the alimony I am already forced to pay you.

Quite how you managed to convince the judge that your beauty regime was
a necessary expense, I have no idea, but then I am sure one flutter of your pretty boy
lashes had a similar effect on him as John Belushi had on Carrie Fisher.

I do hope you manage to find some gainful employment quite soon.,
as it’s been rather a troublesome time of late, what with those people
we lost at the clinical trials this month, so there’s a fair chance our research
funding may be cut short, unlike your nails, if this becomes the case.

yours hopefully,

Slutty P x

If you want me to believe we put a man on the moon, do it again.

According to Crabman on
“My Name is Earl”,
the moon landing was filmed
in his uncle’s garage.
I have heard similar stories in
several other places, there
was even a movie made a long
time ago with that guy
from “Law and Order”
about a fake moon landing.

I really don’t know.

I find it kind of fishy that
we haven’t been back to
the moon in over thirty years.

I mean with all the money we
spend flying back and forth
to the International Space Winnebago,
why not go to the moon one more time?

If you want me to believe we put a man
on the moon, do it again.

I just want to know

can anyone pluck out a nose

hair and their eyes not water?

"Wow, it's got to be 25 barleycorns long", that's what she said. Yet another cool unit of measurement, the barleycorn.

Four poppyseeds equal one barleycorn.

Three barleycorns equals one inch.

Cool units of measurement, today's unit, the jiffy.

Now we have all heard the term jiffy
used in everyday speech, and I
am sure most of you are familiar with
Jiffy Pop popcorn, but what exactly is
a jiffy?
A jiffy is the amount of time it takes light
to travel one centimeter, please forgive the
metric reference. A jiffy is not a metric unit
really.
A jiffy is also the time between alternating
current power cycles, generally 1/50 or 1/60 of a second.
On i386 architecture running the Linux 2.6 kernel, a jiffy
is four milliseconds.

All this information was stolen from wikipedia.

Technology is starting to deliver on the promise of a better tomorrow.

I received three nose hair trimmers
for Christmas this year,
some of them are rechargeable.
Have you noticed that things that
use rechargeable batteries are now
charged when you take them out
of the box?
I used to hate waiting for hours
while something charged before
I could use it. Now, I can start
trimming nose and ear hair,
immediately.Technology is
starting to deliver on the
promise of a better tomorrow.

the insane cow posse…. OR H1N1 needs a new name…. speaking of names…..

Mad cow disease,

now there was a good name.
Every time I hear

Mad cow disease,

I  see a mental image of cows
with vampire fangs and their faces
painted in freaky clown makeup.
The name struck fear in the hearts
of men, women, and children….first.

H1N1,

what kind of name is that anyway?
It sounds more like one of those automatically
generated passwords or something.

Maybe the CDC named it H1N1,
now that would explain a lot if they
were responsible.

The CDC is located here in Atlanta.
Atlanta is not so good at picking names.
All the jokes about all the streets being
named “Peachtree” are true.

No wait, there’s more.

“a genetic experiment gone horribly, ghastly wrong.” ~Bob Costas

Izzy the Whatizit

the official mascot of the

1996 Olympic Games,
here in Atlanta, Georgia.

Back to my point.

H1N1,

needs a scary name.
If we play off the “Swine flu” theme,
then the options start to open up.

How about,

“Porky the Pig’s Revenge”

I have got an idea, not just any idea….revolutionary….ground breaking even….. before it's time. It's too big of an idea to fail.

I know I don’t  scream intelligence at first glance,
however, I am not about to post my amazing idea
here so all of you can steal it,

I made that mistake with

• • the microwave,
  • the steam engine,
  • and an idea for a movie called “Avatar”.

There will be no more free lunch for you
lecherous leeching leaches.

I am simply dangling the carrot of necessary
necessity, the brother/father/sister/mother
of invention.

I am also using this post in a most

“tie a string around my finger to remind me”

manner.

I am also hoping that at least one of my
so-called friends, none of which are currently
answering their phones, will see this and ask me
about my idea in case the string fails to trigger
the desired response.

I thank you,
and your respective countries thank you.

FIN

According to my scientific study about anger and brussels sprouts……

I have found a direct correlation between
children that do not eat their Brussels sprouts
and adults with anger management issues.
The most severe cases are those involving
English girls who hide them in their father’s
shoes. These individuals are prone to extreme
grumpiness and tend to lash out at the bald-headed.

There is no known cure or treatment.