Swerve killing condiments and seasonings.

Brown mustard:
Who in their right mind eats this nonsense?
Mustard is YELLOW, bright YELLOW .
It should leave stains in your clothes.

Mayonnaise:
That is just coagulated sperm.
mayonnaise is some nasty fucking goo.

Worcestershire sauce:
The soured, bastardized cousin to mayo.
If nasty was an Olympic sport,
Worchestershire sauce would win the gold medal.

Old Bay Seasoning:
This toxic powder was attached as a sample to my
Sunday paper. It tastes like concentrated crab boil,
pickles, and Worcestershire sauce.

Accent Seasoning:
It doesn’t actually taste bad, but the problem is
that is nothing but MSG. You know ,
the stuff that Chinese restaurants
advertise as NOT using in your food.

I said I don’t want to talk about it, can we talk about something, anything besides her?

Okay,
I’ll tell y’all what happened.

It was the best of times,
and now it’s the worst of times.

While I was on Twitter this morning,
I fell in Love with Martha Stewart.
I poured my heart out to her in a tweet,
I really thought we had made a connection.

It’s now been over twelve hours,
and she has not replied, not at all.

Oh she’s been on Twitter, she’s been
tweeting all day, to everyone but me.

Well fine Martha, have it your way,
I’m moving on baby. There’s other
chicks out there who would be thrilled
to tweet with me. You had your chance
lady, and you blew it.

I’m done with Martha, I’m not even
following her anymore, it’s just to
painful to read her tweets.

Breaking News, well not really but…..

For the three of you following my
steamy twitter romance with
Martha Stewart, she still has
not tweeted me back, or acknowledged
my earlier tweet of passion in any way.

However, I do remain optimistic.

I wonder if Martha Stewart uses the shake weight

If she does,
I wonder if she thinks about
me when she does 240 repetitions
a minute to tone her arms.

I got a little excited this morning and made a pass at Martha Stewart on Twitter, oddly enough I am still waiting on her to reply.

I don’t know what came over me,
but when I saw her name,
and yes,
her account is verified.
When I saw her seductive offer,
I knew what she really meant,
and I knew it was meant for me.
Martha tweeted,

You MUST be my follower to win
– remember – simply tweet me the phrase
” I want a KitchenAid mixer”

I almost immediately replied,

I’ve got a mixer, I want you baby.

I don’t understand the power this woman
wields over me, nor can I deny it.